Putt-Putt Paradise

[antihero]

Man they sure didn’t make these miniature windmills like they used to. Why in his day they were made out of quality materials like brick and wood— the best this one had to offer was low quality fiberglass and pealing spray paint.

“Now you sit tight there gramps, and maybe I’ll remember where I stuck you when I'm done.” He had to stand back to admire his handy work, it wasn’t that easy to wrangle an old man with two rolls of duct tape and stuff him into a mini-golf prop. Too bad the door wouldn’t close all the way with out giving it a good kick or two.

Putt-putt Paradise was now Deadpool’s new base of operations. Best location in town! Artificial palm trees, crystal blue waters, built-to-scale pirate ship... and right across the street from that seedy little hotel his current Hit frequented with all his lady-friends.

“Now I know what you’re thinking there crocodile” He’d nod his head towards the ridiculous looking plastic reptile that was currently staring him down with it’s one beady eye. “And you’re absolutely right! A round of putt-put DOES sound like fun! I have at least...” Deadpool peered down at his wrist as if to check the time, not that he had a watch on. “Six hours before night fall, and you don’t seem to be going anywhere.”

He’d stroll on over to the shack at the entrance... now where did they hide all those golf balls?

[Toni Craft]

Great.

Fucking Great.

The one time she actually tries -- and succeeds -- to get that beaut of a Datsun out for a spin, she gets a flat tire.

Well, I could just carry it all the way back to the mansion. But 'Ro would probably stick her out in the rain and watch her rust to death.

Toni grumbles, pulls the key from the ignition, and steps out of her crippled Fairlady.

"God damn fucking piece of Japanese built shit!" She examines the wheel and chews on the end of the key. "Fucking people and their fucking nails!" With a grimace she rips the obscured three inch nail from the rubber and palms it.

Naturally, this was the one time she didn't have a cell phone either. Toni walks around to the trunk to pull out the spare tire and...

Shit.

"What the fuck?!" No spare either. "If the Scooter was still around, he'd have my foot so far up his hypothalamus right now...." Only Scott would have picked out a classic car without spare-tire rack.

So...now what?

Toni stands back behind her car and looks up and down the road. She hadn't passed much in the last few miles. Couple of houses with some cranky old grandmas and a pig farm (she's never going to get that smell out of the upholstery now). But she was on her way into town, and it couldn't be that much farther.

"Woo for walking." She mutters sarcastically and locks the car up tight. Toni begins the trek with heavy feet, but pauses to run out into the road, and replace the nail. Heheheh...

Actaully, she's fortunate. The outskirts of town were just around the corner from her chosen stopping point.

Pirate mini putt? "Cheesier than the Wenslidale cheesery on International Cheese Day. But whatever. As long as they have a phone." But better yet, there's someone there. As she approaches, the oddly clad figure ducks into the front office...shack...thing.

"Yo, dude!" Toni calls out as she steps up to the door. "Old Bessie finally blew out a shank back a ways. You gotta a phone in there?" Then she peers into the shack and grins. "Wow, I didn't know that pirates dressed up as Spiderman...and I didn't know Spidey carried that much artillery." Toni leans against the door frame and snickers at the red and black putt-putt attendant.

[antihero]

This place has shanty written all over it, blow a little too hard and it might come down. Why didn’t they just build structures with legos? Those things were indestructible... a choke hazard, but indestructible. Next time he picked up a hit, he’d make sure it was in a resort town. They didn’t even have go-carts here!

Yo ho! But what was this? A ratty old trunk tucked away behind the counter, surely it’s filled with booty galore! Deadpool kneels, flicking the lock open and in a magnificent cloud of dust reveals...

Oh lordy that’s the tackiest pirate getup ever!

Probably should be paying a little attention there Wade, looks like some one snuck up on you.

"Yo, dude. Old Bessie finally blew out a shank back a ways. You gotta a phone in there?"

Gosh... GOSH didn’t anyone read anymore? He’s sure he’d put up the ‘Closed due to hijacking, please come again.’ Sign up in the window.

Deadpool turns, pulling on the floppy old pirate hat he’d just found -Jack Sparrow eat your heart out- and reaches for a sai—ya’know just incase, can’t trust those pesky locals to go run and tell.

“Wow, I didn't know that pirates dressed up as Spiderman...and I didn't know Spidey carried that much artillery."

Ouch, burn on the threads.

“Spiderman only wishes he could look so good.” Scoff... SCOFF!

”Be gone with ye—we ain’t got no phone ‘ere.” Talk like a pirate day, must be the hat doing weird things to his brain because he really can’t help him self.

And of course it doesn't help that the phone is sitting on the counter beside him.

He gestures with a hand, finger curled into a hook. “Go... shoo shoo!”

[Toni Craft]

Toni leans against the frame, listens to it creak and jolt under the stress, then straightens. Didn't need the room coming down on her.

"Holy jump Peewee Hermans! What the fuck are you wearing?!" She looks him over once, twice, and the third time's a charm. "Honestly, how many kiddies do you scare with that getup?"

“Spiderman only wishes he could look so good.”

"I bet the webbed fucker's rolling over in his grave right now." She rises an eyebrow and just has to give him one more look over. "And for the record, spandex is sooo Richard Simmons-esque. Leather darlin'. If you're gonna take your dress up time this seriously, use leather. It's much more flattering."

”Be gone with ye—we ain’t got no phone ‘ere."

"Uh huh, and I'm Dali Alpaca." She takes another step in and waves the dust away from her face and coughs. "I only need it for a second. No long distance or phone sex, I promise. Just need to call the boss and get someone to pick me up. But if you have a spare in one of those pockets of yours, that'd work too."

“Go... shoo shoo!”

"Uh...how's about no. It's just a bloody phone call." But something tells her that this masked nutcase probably isn't so easily persuaded, especially not with that phony pirate act going. "Uh...please? See, now I've asked nicely."

[antihero]

That chick just has to keep on insulting the outfit now doesn’t she? Oooh eye twitch, just a little bit. Here he is, just trying to do his job, pulling a honest nine-to-five and people gotta harass him.

"And for the record, spandex is sooo Richard Simmons-esque. Leather darlin'. If you're gonna take your dress up time this seriously, use leather. It's much more flattering."

“And rack up a bill in dry cleaning? Do you have any idea how difficult it is to get blood stains out of leather? ... replacement costs alone! Cripes, if I was gonna do that might as well just switch out the whole look.”

‘Maybe assless chaps? That’ll show em.'

Crap, did I say that outloud?



Well it seems she isn’t going to leave with old fashion verbal persuasion, and unfortunately he’d filled out that nine-page innocent bystander waiver that had been insisted upon by his employer. Fine, no reckless killing, he can deal.

“Fine, but you have two minutes and thirty six seconds... you get bonus minutes if you order me a pizza while you’re at it...” He nudges the phone over with his elbow before kicking the trunk closed and plopping down on it to sit. “ No mushrooms though, they give me the squirts.”

Charming.

[Toni Craft]

"Do you have any idea how difficult it is to get blood stains out of leather?"

"Running a putt putt is that violent? Who knew." But with all those weapons (And Toni's fairly sure they're real), that's probably pretty reasonable.

And that all led to another thing...weapons? At a mini putt. Something doesn't smell quite right, and Toni's pretty sure that it isn't that moth-eaten hat he insists on wearing.

‘Maybe assless chaps? That’ll show em.'

"Now there's a fashion statement I haven't seen in a while. But sure, babe, you start wearin' them and I'll follow suit. Scout's honour." She holds her hand up, mimicking said Scout pledge.

And finally the strange, heavily armed, mini golf attendant caves. “Fine, but you have two minutes and thirty six seconds... you get bonus minutes if you order me a pizza while you’re at it...” Toni grabs the phone and watches as the red & black man seats himself on the old, dusty trunk.

"It's a date then. But you're paying."

"No mushrooms though, they give me the squirts.”

"Niiiice. Kind of like me and copper..." Whoops...right, gotta remember not to talk to the normal folks about the whole 'lookie! I'm a mutant!' thing.

She pulls the phone off the hook and holds it up to her ear and...

"Uh..." She follows the cord with her eyes until she sees it end in a fray. "Wonderful. Did you know your phone's busted?" She holds the wire up for him to seen. "Better yet, did you know that this whole situation is starting to look really odd? Y'know, with the mask and weapons and all?"

[antihero]

Haha... normal folks, it is to laugh.

"Running a putt putt is that violent? Who knew."

“OH yeah, it’s a real cut throat business if ya know what I mean, all those buckles I have to swash...day in, day out.”

And then...

“Situation?” It's really is hard to look baffled with a mask and all, but somehow he manages to pull it off, one hand tucked up behind his head to itch at the back of his neck. Okay, time to play it cool.

“Oh these are just my PJ’s. Wouldn’t ya know it? Forgot to do the laundry... my regular scallywag uniform’s just filthy.” Deadpool makes a show of dusting himself off before eyeing the busted telephone.

“Well why would you go and do a thing like that for?” The nerve! Just strollin on in here, busting telephones and questioning his attire.. why he outta-- Oh hey, his butt was vibrating.

“Hang on...” He waves her off momentarily, digging through one of the dozens of gadget pouches on his hip to fish out his phone, flipping it open and pressing it to his ear.

“Kinda busy here Weas... better be important. No. --- Yeah... --- well what did he say? Jello? --- Really!? --- I don’t know, raspberry I’d imagine.” He tilts his head to the side, tapping a fingertip against his chin. “No we blackmailed him over that one. --- Uh huh. --- Look I just brought you the thingymajigger, I never said I knew what it did!”

A glance upward reminds him that he was probably being watched. Whoops.

“Ya’know what I’ll let you deal with that one, gottagothoughhavefunbye.”

Click.

“But yeaaaah, so...” Back to the broken phone. “looks like you’re shit outta luck there Red, maybe you can try a smoke signal... got some matches somewhere.”

[Toni Craft]

“Oh these are just my PJ’s. Wouldn’t ya know it?" The funny looking masked putt putt lackey looks reasonably confused, but the tone leaves a little to be desired as far as convincing goes.

"Oh really? You have an alter ego complex or something? Go assassinate people in your sleep? That's a great alibi by the way. Nobody'd ever expect the sleep-killer."

“Well why would you go and do a thing like that for?”

"Oh you know...maybe my car's not really busted. Maybe I'm a special agent assigned to wipe you out. Maybe I'm the evil ex-girlfriend who's come to claim child support for the baby that you impregnated me with. You know, I'd have cut the line in all those cases." She drops the cord and crosses her arms with an amused smirk.

And then he answers his cellphone and starts rambling aimlessly about jello and some thingymajigger that he had apparently blackmailed someone over.

Charming.

“Looks like you’re shit outta luck there Red, maybe you can try a smoke signal... got some matches somewhere.”

"Smoke signal may work. But I try to be environmentally friendly. Gotta save the squirrels you know." Toni leans forward ever so slightly to peer down at the man. "But you know what's so much better for the planet? Letting me use that cellphone of yours. I'll pay you for the daytime minutes and everything. Better yet, I'll buy the pizza."

[antihero]

He leans back as she leans forward, sliding back against the slant of the trunk lit until he back touches the counter, makes the corner of his mouth twitch slightly because he’s not too sure he likes her in here, most people would have taken the appearance as a hint and hit the road... maybe off to tattle on the cops, but he had a back up plan for that one.

“Ya know I don’t think you’re femme fatal material, not light enough on your feet for that.” Wade’s not stupid, there’s something about the way she moves that strikes him as not-quite-right. “... and I’d like to think I’d remember a one night stander with a chick like you, sure there have been so many.” Exaggerated with an almost bragging drawl to his voice

Head cocks to the side he flips his phone back up then slides it across the counter to her, attention suddenly pulled to the window just behind here and whoops... seems that stubborn old man had managed to escape the windmill and was trying to worm crawl his way across the green, maybe he shouldn’t have went so easy on the geezer.

Any reply on her part would be interrupted with a lifted finger. “Hey how about you hold that thought... gotta run to the little boys room.” Of course he heads in a direction opposite of the gaudy hand painted sign with skull and crossbones saying ‘restroom’.

Grabs the roll of duct tape off the counter, slinks past her to pull down the blinds... can’t have her being a lookie-loo now could he? And tromps out the back door.

[Toni Craft]

Toni can't help the satisfied smirk that graces her face as he reels back. She often forgets how easily she seems to intimidate people, but she doesn't back down. No need to let him regain his confidence against her. Okay...so maybe I'm a little competitive too...

“Ya know I don’t think you’re femme fatal material, not light enough on your feet for that.” Toni can't help but snort.

"You wouldn't be the first to say that. Give me the chance though, and you'll find that goofy looking mask of yours imbedded in your pancreas."

"I’d like to think I’d remember a one night stander with a chick like you, sure there have been so many.”

"Yeah, I bet you're a real find." She mutters with a roll of her eyes. "My six foot snake may try to strangle me in my sleep, but at least he has better manners than you." Ok...and maybe I'm a little too defensive. Shame on you, Toni. Be nice to the mentally challenged.

But then he slides her his cellphone and she happily takes it. "You still want that pizza? There's this awesome little pizzeria in town, makes the best octopus and artichoke pies I've ever tasted." Toni flips open the phone and begins to dial the Institute, trying to see if she can reach Ororo in her office.

“Hey how about you hold that thought... gotta run to the little boys room.”

"Huh? Wha?" Then another thought crosses her mind. "How the hell do you pee in a spandex suit?" But he's already gone, and dropped the blinds along the way. Curious, she flips the phone closed and walks back outside and around the side of the shack, only to see the poor old man crawling away.

"Hey, Gramps? You lost or somethin'?" She asks, trying to overcome her suspicious tone by replacing it with an affectionate one.

[antihero]

Okay he lied, such a fibber that Deadpool... for shame!

Took a moment to actually go the long way around the shack, see his whole plan wasn’t to rouse any suspicions, and have time to grab that spool of rope he’d left lying somewhere. Oh, there it was!

“... I hate to do this the hard way-” Already talking by the time he rounds the corner. See they just didn’t make hostages like they used to, people these days were all defiant and stubborn.

Click-click as he cocks his gun, and whoops... how’d she get out here? Oh, through the front door, duh! Again it’s surprising how many expressions can be translated with his mask, because it’s a sort of shocked kid-with-his-hand-in-the-cookie-jar look as he cants his head to the side.

And he hates to do this, but his gun is now pointed at the redhead.

Always complications! Why couldn’t things just run smoothly for once!? Must have been that mirror he broke with a black cat under a ladder that one Friday.

“Well since I doubt you’re just gonna go on your merry little way and pretend none of this happened...” Hard to tough-talk with that goofy hat on, but bless his little heart he was trying. “Guess I'm gonna need some more duct tape.”


(( I apologize for my absence, that pesky real life gets in the way sometimes, ya know? ))

[Toni Craft]

Toni watches the poor old man crawl across the ground, ready to go over and help when the strange costumed man appears, wielding a bundle of rope and....a gun?

Crap.

“... I hate to do this the hard way-” The gun comes up and is aimed at the man's head, and not one to stand by as someone gets shot, Toni steps forward to snap the weapon from him. Of course, her heroic plans never seem to go as well as she often imagines them, and she finds herself staring down the barrel.

"I uh...careful with that thing, you could poke an uvula out or something." Instinctively she she raises her hands in surrender. Not that she's afraid of the weapon, but she's definitely not up for provoking him into actually shooting at her.

“Well since I doubt you’re just gonna go on your merry little way and pretend none of this happened...”

"I've got a terrible memory you know..." Toni keeps her eyes trained on the gun, trying to mimic someone who's genuinely afraid, and to a certain extent, she thinks she succeeding. "I'd probably forget how many fingers I have if it wasn't for the fact that they weren't right in front of me." She even makes a conscious effort to sound dumber, because naturally she'd be able to come up with something much more random than that.

“Guess I'm gonna need some more duct tape.”

"Did you know you can restrain a full-grown bull elephant with that stuff?" She tries to make her voice come out a few notches higher, in hopes of imitating that terrified chick from Speed. Keanu's such a hottie.

And that gun's still pointed at her and he's still...wearing that hat. If Toni hadn't been so concerned with trying to come off convincingly frightened, she probably would have started laughing by now.

She'd much rather have the gunman believe that she's just a simple frightened civilian than have him try and load her full of lead. No need to let him know she's really bulletproof. At least, not yet.

((No worries, doll....okay, so maybe a little worrying, but I'm definitely glad you're back ))

[antihero]

"Did you know you can restrain a full-grown bull elephant with that stuff?"

“I know! Actually tried It once... Okay it was on a guy, but he probably weighed as much as a bull elephant. Bad teeth too.”

Deadpool keeps the gun trained on her, sidestepping over to snag the cocooned geezer up and hoists him over one shoulder.

“Inside por favor.” Gestures with the barrel back towards the entrance of the shack, if this kept up he’d have a right cozy collection of hostages by the end of this.

He Lets her go first because, well you never turn your back on a lady that has a expansive knowledge of pop culture, with his luck she’d probably seen the Karate Kid too many times and might take a crack at him.

Damn you Mr. Kesuke Miyagi, damn you for giving generations of hot babes the will to become karate masters and there for learn self defense!

Best make it quick too, looks to be getting dark, and as much fun as it is playing dress up with the civilians, he still has a job to do.

[Toni Craft]

She watches him pick up the old man and flip him over his shoulder.

"Finally, a decently strong guy. Do you know how many weaklings there are out there in the world." Despite the flirtatious comment, Toni puts in enough effort to make herself shiver and forces her voice to crack. But I bet you're not as strong as meeee!!!

“Inside por favor.”

"Yessir. Of course sir. Whatever you say sir." Keeping her hands in the air, Toni turns on her heels and walks back into the shack. "Love what you've done with the place, by the way. Very homey."

She also notes with a glance back outside that the sun was setting. Maybe that was a good thing. For one, the dark would provide with a suitable advantage (not that she was at any disadvantage to begin with). And for two, Matty was expecting her back for 6:30, and he'd send out the whole Institute in search of her if she was so much as thirty seconds late.

"Now I have to ask you, if you and your trigger finger don't mind of course, what exactly are you? Assasin? Mafia? If you're in the mafia, I'm sure that we could strike a deal. I've got a couple of relatives choppin' horse heads in Manhattan and I know they'd be plenty happy give you a hefty sum of dough for me." Oh good. Don't give the psychopath any ideas. But if everything worked out the way she anticipated, she wouldn't have to worry about explaining the whole thing to Antonio and Adama, her mafia connections.

[antihero]

Nudges the door shut with the back of his heel once his little ensemble are safely inside, the old man’s squirming though, making some sort of muffled protest behind the tape over his mouth. Deadpool simply plops him down behind the counter, at least making an effort not to break the old guy’s hip or anything.

“Look I told you to go before we left the house, now you’ll just have to hold it.” A sort of chiding, fatherly tone. Now down to business.

"Love what you've done with the place, by the way. Very homey."

“You know how difficult it is to find a good decorator around here? It’s murder. You should have seen it before! Plaids with florals-- and beige! My goodness.”

He kicks out a rickety old chair towards where she’s standing, producing another roll of duct tape from god knows where.

"Now I have to ask you, if you and your trigger finger don't mind of course, what exactly are you? Assasin? Mafia? If you're in the mafia, I'm sure that we could strike a deal. I've got a couple of relatives choppin' horse heads in Manhattan and I know they'd be plenty happy give you a hefty sum of dough for me."

“Actually this is just a hobby of mine, stamp collecting gets so dull after awhile... and I'm a little too old for comic books, don’tcha think?” Gestures for her to have a seat, already ripping long strips of gray tape, just like a pro.

“And Nah, I try to stay out of the family biz, never know when you’re sleepin’ with the big guy’s daughter til WHAM bullet in the brain! No thank you. Nuh uh.”

He might just have caught on that she was acting, hell whitty sarcasm was his shtick... she was playin a player here.


“How bout you be good and settle in while I finish up here, Miss-- Sorry missed your name. Is it Grace? You look like a Grace to me...”